HIV TEST: IF I TEST POSITIVE…

Thank God it was a dream. I wiped sweat off my forehead; my heartbeat had increased to twice its normal rate; I was very afraid. I had dreamt that my neighbor tested for HIV and she was positive. I saw myself consoling her and asking her to go to another testing center to confirm the result. I was really sweating when I woke up, my pillow was soaked. Well, I know the dream came as a result of my subconscious activities. I had meditated and thought and pondered on HIV till I dreamt of it. Mind you, that was the second dream I had about HIV.

Since my eyes were open, it was time for my morning devotion. I muttered words to God in my morning prayer, but the fear of the dream and the fear of HIV was still there. I decided to jump off my bed to talk loudly and audibly to God, such that my cries will not only drive the fear but beg for some grace from God. I walked to and fro, and shouted at fear, praying and telling God I didn’t want to test for HIV out of fear, but out of the understanding that I should know what my status is.

Before that judgmental part of you comes out, unprotected sex is not the only way to contract HIV, other ways could include sharing of sharp needles (which a lot of ladies do at the hair salons),  among others. My mind did well to remind me of times when my hair stylist pricked my scalp with needles (though they were majorly mine) and times when I had minor cuts from cooking knives that were not mine. My risk factors were few, but trust me, they could have been more than this  (I know what I speakest :)).

After the high-toned, fear-binding, tongue-strolling prayer, I waited to hear God; I was thinking He’ll tell me to forget about HIV jare and face other spiritual and academic things, but instead the thought came to me: ‘Simi, why don’t you go for your HIV test?’. Immediately, I remembered the saying that: ‘One way to combat fear is by doing that exact thing you are afraid of’.

*Whew*- The characteristic big sigh that precedes every major decision.

Was I ready to face this fear?

(Part 2 in a bit! *winks*)